Immoral
by Mistress of Solitude
Summary: She wasn't supposed to fall in love with him, but she did. And somehow she can't help it, when her tears would simply fall across her cheeks, after all, he rejected her more than once. How much more can a woman take against a dead wife?
1. An Immoral Secret: Illessa

It's immoral, her love for him, because she's not supposed to love him, she shouldn't have fallen for him, especially after finding out that he already loved a woman named Shannon, who is, or rather was his wife, after the sacrifice that he's done to become one of **them**, she _should've_ walked away, the minute he told her he was a father; But she didn't. And that is how her immoral love for _**him**_ began…

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><p><strong><em>~Rewind~<em>**

It starts when she hears the rumors, when she sees his defeated look as he arrives there, he's the outcast, she feels her heart twinge in sympathy for him, and as she walks closer to him, she holds out her hand, and unknowingly sighs softly as relief floods her, when he takes it and they're introduced.

After being pulled away from her family, all she had was God, and when she met him, all that was left was him & God, as the memory of her past life faded away. Her mother's kind smile forced away as she keeps trying to lock away her past, push it all away, so that she could focus on her duty, her mission as one of God's many warriors, to protect human life without going against any of the sacred vows.

The awkward-nervous smile he gave her, melted away every icy barrier she had placed to keep everyone away from her. She ignored his steely and anger-filled eyes and told him with sweet smile "Illessa is the name my mother gave me, but since we're all priests, and I'm probably the only female priestess around here so far, they call me Priestess".

A shadowed look filled his eyes, and his smile was replaced with a grim one as he murmured with a far-away look in his eyes "I **know**, they've _already_ told me" before rubbing his head and replying "My given name is Ivan." and suddenly a small smile was on his thin beige lips, as a guilty look filled his eyes, while she appeared startled by his reactions. She brushed away her uneasiness and placed a bright smile on and told him kindly "Well then, I hope we can become great comrades, and if you'll allow it Ivan, maybe even friends" before introducing him to the rest of their district.

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><p><strong><em>~Forward~<em>**

As she gazed at him from the back of her vehicle, she felt her heart clench painfully, and wondered why her mother raised a fool like her, she should have had better control over her emotions, as the thoughts of Ivan filled her eyes with tears, and her heart with agony. She couldn't bear it anymore, thinking she had a chance with him, it was her fault from the beginning, she should have known, his heart only belonged to Shannon, her throat burned and her eyes stung with the unshed tears that filled her eyes.

She was glad that he was in front of her, so that he couldn't see the tears that were now flowing freely across her cheeks, she shook her head and tried to regain some sense back into her mind, because she didn't want to reveal her emotions to him, nor appear weak. She was a Priestess, she is supposed to be a sign of hope, and strength, not pity.

She held her breath, as she slowed down the speed of her vehicle so she could brush away the tears, and fix her appearance before he noticed, before he could ever notice her tears.

* * *

><p><strong><em>~Rewind~<em>**

She had already turned 22, and that only reminded her of her past, her kind strong mother, and the father she never got to, and would _probably_ **never** meet. She had known Ivan for about 5 years, and still she could not help how she behaved around him. She acted like a lovesick fool, and frowned inwardly while she pushed away the negative feelings that were rising from inside of her.

She fixed her loose strands of dark brown hair and tied her hair up into a simple ponytail, before dressing up in one of her long sleeved gowns, she chose the shade of emerald and placed a black hooded robe over it and headed to the gathering they had later on that evening.

She smiled as she applied a soft shade of rouge on her lips, before taking it off with some tissue, and settling with some lip moisturizer. She felt free and more relaxed, before beginning to attach all her weapons to her rope and under her dress, because she was always overcautious, _since_ being prepared could **save** a life.

But little did she know that she would actually save her own, and a few more lives by not being careless that evening.

**Later on….**

She stood over Jeremiah's dead body with tears cascading down her cheeks like a waterfall, she couldn't stop her sobs, as the blood stains on her gown reminded her that Jeremiah was dead, bitten by a vampire who wanted them all dead, so she killed him before he could even transform into one of those hideous bloodthirsty monsters.

Jeremiah was one of the older Priests, but was less experienced to her by a year-and-a-half, and he died by her weapon, because she killed him, because **she** _didn't_ want his memory tarnished. He _**was**_ one of her close friends, an older brother, and a companion that made most of their battles worthwhile, and now, he lay dead, because of _her_.

His soft curls of brown hair were tinged with a bit of blood on the front side, and his eyes had already turned back to grey, before they could fully turn a bright silver which held flecks of green in the irises, she held back a sob as she closed his eyes and murmured a soft prayer. His nose looked broken, and on his left cheek were claw marks, while on the right was a slash made from her weapon. And around his neck lay the cross she bought for his 23rd birthday, years ago.

She fell to the floor hugging her knees, as the sobs kept resounding throughout her body, this **_wasn't_** supposed to happen, it was only a simple gathering to congratulate them for destroying the 2 hives that had been occupying the Southern areas, and destroying whatever remained of the villages that had already been infected. Even Ivan's warm hand on her shoulder could not shake her from the nightmare that she had thrown herself in, because in the end, no matter how they all tried to comfort her, the fact that she killed her fellow priest would not leave her mind, and that fact had marked her soul from this day onwards as a Martyr _somehow_.

**The Next Day...**

Fear overcame her, because she didn't want to lose Ivan too, nor the friends she had grown to love in this district, so the next day, she asked the Bishop of her district if he could transfer her to another district, anywhere as long as she didn't have to stay in this one.

Bishop John looked at her with sad wrinkled eyes that held disappointment in them, and asked her "Are you sure of your choice? You may regret this decision later on my dear child". She shook her head and murmured softly, hoping terribly that her voice wouldn't crack, and that he wouldn't hear how broken she really felt "No, I **won't**. It's better this way Father John, this _way_, everyone is safer".

He looked at her and told her gravely "Then so be it; deal with your choice Priestess Illessa, and make sure you don't regret it". She gave him a weak tired smile and awaited his reply.

"The only available district is District 13, the nomad's land around the North-Western area, are you sure you really want this?" he asked, as his eyes seemed to fill with dread. She nodded, and asked out of curiosity "What's wrong with District 13?" A bitter laugh left Bishop John's lips and he replied with sad eyes and a broken smile, "Everything my dear, everything, they say that place is cursed, and the rate of deaths is 30% more than the average rate of deaths, most priests don't make it. Once again I ask you this, **are** _you_ sure?"

She bit her lower lip and remained silent before replying after a long moment "Well maybe then I can help decrease that rate Father John" with a forced smile on her face as she tried to be positive about her decision, whether it be a fool's choice or not.

He murmured softly before hugging her close to him, wishing he didn't have to let go "You are a fool then Illessa, **_go,_** I've already signed the paper. Godspeed my dear, Godspeed, and I pray that you'll come back to us alive".

She gave him a small smile that didn't reach her eyes, and walked away, never knowing when she'll see the man who grew to become a father figure to her.

**In that evening….**

"You _can't_ do this Illessa! It wasn't **your** fault he died." as his eyes blazed with such anguish that she looked away, though she had to hand it to him for keeping his temper in check all_ these_ years, because when they first met, he was a bit quite hot-headed. "I know" she replied quietly, and then he asked weakly "then why are you leaving, I'm not stopping you, but give me a reason why, why are you _**leaving**_ us?"

She held her breath and let it out before turning to face him as she replied "Because I want to." figuring out that in this way, she wasn't lying, nor was she telling him the truth, but in the end she wasn't lying, and that's all she wanted, not to lie to him, because it would only fill her with guilt, and shame, since a priestess isn't supposed to lie, there was also the fact that she was an honest woman, and wanted to remain that way.

He froze stiff in shock, not knowing what to say because Illessa would never lie, which could only meant that she really wanted to leave them.

She gave him a plastered-on smile and told him "And this way I get to improve myself as a priestess Ivan, so it's really not a bad choice for me". He wanted to say something, but the sad pleading look in her eyes forced him to walk away and only tell her "Fine, but I expect you to at least say farewell to all of us, before you leave that is" and she nodded slowly, and turned away, hiding her eyes from him, because the tears had already formed and it took all her resolve to make sure that he wouldn't see them.

She didn't want to tell him that she felt like a murderer, she didn't want to tell him that she was relieved he didn't die, she also didn't want to remember how she killed the man who was like a brother to her, she wanted to forget, like she did with her past life before she became a priestess. She didn't want him to know that she loved him, she just wanted to let go of it all…

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><p><strong><em>~Forward~<em>**

She hoped that he didn't notice her decreasing speed, and somehow she remembered how it felt like when she hoped that he would love her, and how the hope got crushed by the harsh reality that is life.

She sighed, and realized that the sun was setting, she called out to Ivan and told him "Ivan! The sun's setting, shouldn't we stop and make camp before we suddenly get attacked by the vampires?"

When she heard the motor of his vehicle get louder, she stopped hers, and got off as she heard him reply "okay", and wondered if he remembered any of their past, and shook her head as she thought 'The past is the past, I must forget it all, even if it tears me apart. He does not need to suffer along with me, and my agony. He never needed any of what we -Illessa & the church- had put him through for 15 years, he has suffered enough, and lost more than I will ever imagine, so I should try to ease his burdens, not increase them, right?'.

..._To Be Continued_...

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><p><strong>Author's Note:<strong> I hope everyone enjoys this so far, I've re-edited the most noticeable flaws of this chapter, and I'm leaving the rest, until I finish the whole story. I've already began working on chapter 2, hope you guys enjoy it, its in Ivan's P.O.V {Point of View}.


	2. His Thoughts: Ivan

_**-Rewind-**_

"Why?" he asks himself angry; most of the things she had told him, hid what she really wanted to tell him, and what he **really** wanted to hear. And as quickly as he said that he murmured softly "Forgive me father, for I do not mean to be _so_ angry". He tried to calm himself, but it pained **him** to see her hide everything from him, and he wondered if those 7 years working in District 13 had done something to her. But all he could remember was relief, when she returned from District 13 unharmed, but she had changed, more than he expected, more than he ever wanted her to change.

He was scared to lose her, because already she was hiding so much from him. He sees her eyes and they are always looking for a way to escape, the sadness she carries, he wants it gone, but then he also knows that he is the cause of her sadness, ever since he found out that she loved him. He wishes that he could love her back and reassure her, but Shannon meant almost everything to him, she was his past, and he couldn't live without his past, he's already losing the memories of his brother -the brother who he never got to _truly_ know, who was** too** young back then, to develop a character of his own-, if he lets go of Shannon's memory, he's scared he'll forget her.

Illessa had already been there for him, her whole life, watching over him when she could, and he would do the same for her, her happiness he never saw for 7 years, and for most of those 7 she was in District 13, the nomad-land. It would be rare to even see a trace of a town or village there; it was filled with rural areas, and large mountains with wide desert-terrains.

He had heard that in her District, she was the second priestess there, but the nickname never left her, because over **there**, they _still_ called her Priestess, since the other priestess preferred to be addressed by her own name, and had died of stomach cancer by Illessa's second year in District 13. He wasn't comfortable with the fact that she had grown close to District 13, because he didn't want her hurt, if she loses any one of the District 13 priests.

Seeing her lose herself on the celebration, tore his heart to pieces. She was **too** young to keep losing people, he remembered that the only reason she returned from District 13 was because her mother had died. -The Church called her back, because they had already eliminated every vampire living there, and they had disbanded the members and scattered them around the other Districts.- Illessa was never good at dealing with deaths and pain, and preferred to keep them to herself, but he never learned how she found out that her mother died. She _**never**_ told him how….

The week after she came back, she was already 26-and-a-half, with one of the male priests who was with her from District 13. When he asked her why, she never told him about how she knew that her mother had died; he had received no answer from her, since she was avoiding him, -well, everyone actually, only speaking when needing to speak. And speaking if she needed something.- but her companion from District 13 told him rudely, -Not exactly rude, but he was probably frustrated at how many times Ivan had tried to ask _her_ about her mother- "You are sometimes my fellow priest, an oblivious fool who knows not when to keep his mouth shut" and let out a sad sigh.

Ivan was about to reply, but then the priest from District 13 continued "Priestess Illessa might have mentioned to you that she was born in a rural village, right?" Ivan nodded, still confused as to what the Priest meant by asking him if Illessa told him. "District 13 was located around the area of her long-forgotten village. Her mother was still turning when she appeared on the gates of our district, and had asked for Illessa" and paused while stroking his chin slowly.

Ivan felt -if only for that moment- a feeling of bitterness and jealousy swirl in his chest at how intimately the Priest had uttered Illessa's name, but just like it had come, it faded away, as he tried to focus about what happened with Illessa. "Priestess Illessa _knew_, and somehow, I think she always knew that her mother would come to her, as something **not** human. It wasn't even five minutes until her sword was found piercing her mother's chest, while holy water was sprinkled over the corpse, as she murmured a prayer, and left to get a shovel so that we could bury the body." he stopped, and Ivan almost thought he was done, as his heart filled with understanding towards Illessa. "After that day, she began praying more, and avoiding us even more, she barely spoke with us, and was _always_ withdrawn. She avoided our company for 3 weeks, and only appeared during my birthday to congratulate me, and during our missions, but she seemed to have lost her voice because of that incident which occurred on her birthday."

Ivan froze, as the words "her birthday" echoed throughout his ears, he clenched his left hand, pressed it to his chest, and murmured a quick prayer before closing his eyes and trying to relieve the pain. He saw the priest smile in understanding, before he left Ivan alone with a pat on his shoulder. It was **too** much for him to handle, and he wondered why she didn't tell him anything more, and marveled at how strong she had become during the years they were apart. But as tears began to prickle his eyes, he wondered why she had to keep losing people throughout this whole war.

He found her later on, during the end of the 1st week of her arrival. She was sitting beside the willow tree, where they had their first training session together, where **he **_**had **__known_ he could trust her with his life. She had been cradling her knees with a faraway look in her eyes, and before he could do anything, she had asked him "Ivan, do you remember the day I confessed my love for you here, by this willow tree". He blinked before replying softly "yes". She gave him a small smile "How do you reject someone who already knows you're in love with someone?" and asked him curiously with sad eyes. He replies "if this is about how I rejected you-" but he's cut off by her finger on his lip shushing him softly as she murmured "No, it isn't; but I'm asking you, how do you do it, if there is a chance that maybe it would work out between the both of you".

And somehow he feels something restricting his throat, and contracting his heart painfully, he wonders what she's talking about and hears her utter "Marcus confessed to me, he says once we're relieved of our duties as warrior priests, he'd like for us to be together romantically, and he told me he's willing to wait years even if my answer would be no. I don't want him to go through what I'm going, so I'd like you to tell me how I can reject him without hurting him, nor showing him that there may be a chance between us."

He's trying to form words, but his heat hurts so much that he can't answer, the words aren't coming out at all, so he sighs, before joining her on the ground. He sits on another side of the tree, his back leaning against the tree bark. He is smiling remembering happy memories that could be almost considered innocent and untainted by the war, back when Jeremiah was still alive, and Elijah wasn't a Vampire-hybrid, who was also dead. 'Time really is a cruel thing' thought Ivan before beginning softly "It wasn't easy, if that's what you mean" his words calm.

He could feel her raise both her eyebrows, the familiar wry smile on her lips when she didn't believe his words on her face, as a chuckle escaped her lips, sounding so carefree of her troubles. He hoped the sad look had left her face as he continued "No, really, I think killing vampires was easier than telling you we could never be. Because I never truly cared what the vampires thought when they died, since they never cared how many of us would die just to satisfy their hunger. Though they are living creatures, they can't feel emotions, but **you** can Illessa" and by now he's turned his head so he can see her.

She looks surprised, as if she never expected those words to leave his lips, and he chooses to continue speaking while gazing at her eyes, the beautiful shade of hazel-brown -that were too beautiful sometimes he believed- "You mean a lot to me Illessa, being one of the only people willing to die for me whether you were in love with me or not, you believed in me from the moment we came, and maybe it was because you were so young that you grew attached to me easily, but you were one of my first and closest friends. I would still rather die that hurt you"

The smile that graced her lips as she cried silently made his day, because she truly seemed happy at his choice of words. And whatever she told him of rejecting Marcus left his mind by the next day.

Though she did reject her companion from the 13th District, her and Marcus remained close friends, and even though he didn't like that, he was glad that she was still smiling at the end of the day, because her tears was not a sight he could bear to see.

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><p><em><strong>-Forward-<strong>_

And as he slowed down his vehicle, the memories never left his mind, his feelings towards Illessa only seemed to intensify after they parted many years ago, and the feeling of jealousy that he had towards Marcus only increased when he heard that they would both be staying at the Church to help around whenever they could.

The relief he feels now is somewhat unbearable because he really is truly happy that she chose to abandon the Church and follow him, he feels guilty at being relieved but they made a vow, and he still remembers the exact words to this day. "_I swear to our Father in the Heavens above that I will only use my powers and skills to fight vampires and defend the weak, and not for any evil. I swear that as long as I am still breathing and vampires are still attacking the humans, I will do all that I can to protect people, and fight for the Church as long as the vampires remain". _And the only reason he left the Church because they were causing him to break his vow to God, and in his eyes, any one who dared to do that was not worth believing in any more. God always came first, before the Church and everyone else, all the other priests understood that as well. And he's glad that she chose to leave the Church willingly to follow through with her vow, and not just because she had once and _somehow_ still **does**, love him with all her heart.

He knows he's not worthy of her heart, for she's done more than enough for him. He knows that one day, she might have to part this life, and that he wouldn't be able to handle that; losing Shannon and his brother in a row, killed him on the inside, and perhaps it helped that he hadn't seen them in a long while, but the feelings of hurt and loss, still lingered in his mind every single day.

He is scared that by the time he finally learns to accept his feelings for her, that it might be too late. He wants her alive no matter what, and if he has to die to make sure she lives, he's gladly willing to do that. His daughter has someone who loves her deeply, and is Illessa lives, then maybe she can watch over her, because he can't imagine a world where one of is closest friends, and most trusted comrade is no longer living because of his actions and decisions.

He hopes that this journey can start in a good way, and prays inwardly, for God's light to watch over them throughout their mission, so that they may leave victorious in this final battle. But could hope leave them both living, and still strong? The only answer he receives is silence...


End file.
